failing up

I don’t have a computer/internet at home now

I just moved into a one-room box very, very far from anything…

I have not read food blogs in 4 days+ and counting…library doesn’t let the browser open them…and trutfully…i’m glad..i’ve spent SO much time with friends and sleeping and eating and feeling no guilt (no one to compare to)..seriously…so glad i can’t read them anymore

but i have a 30 minute slot at library and this is what i need to vent…i keep receiving emails from people sending me links of a blog that my sister writes…these emails are driving me insane…i think its her…but i’m not sure why she would send me links….i don’t have computer or internet at home…plus i don’t ever ever read her blog and need to ignore her…she lead me to crash and burn …..and denies it…she’s been skeletal and denies herself grains and foods and then wonders why she eats other food…that is normal…normal normal normal…maybe if she was on the brink of being forced into hospital for months and months she’d realize that…

is there anything so bad with getting fat

for never exercising…for years

and i realize now how silly those things are. So silly. Reading and obsessing over others lives and silly silly food blogs or wanting others lives and wanting others dreams and diet lifestyles…crazy…that stuff…its not real…its not not not real…and so irrelevant to life… And feeling GUILTY for eating everything.

Lately, I’ve been more bingy than usual. And not ‘healthy” stuff.

i’m sick of thinking of my ex-friend who wrote a nasty post on me in past and knowing that the “next morning” she eats little + clean + fresh, then exercises (I CANNOT) , and then skips carbs all day long…if she feels guilt for “bad” foods..then how do I deserve them? When all I do is literally sit and eat…nothing more…

I actually eat carbs all day long…the last 3 days i have been emotionally wanting muffins…I bought a pack and went thru them…I now make them all the time :

– one muffin: 1/4 cup flour (quinoa, brown rice, or buckwheat, or oats, etc…any flour u want) + 1 Tbsp Olive oil (this is KEY for me…yes i use a lot of oils) +2 tbsp liquid + 1/4 tsp baking powder and vanilla extract each + chocolate chips/walnuts/raisins/berries/anything, sweetener)..microwave 1 minute for nice and spongy OR longer for firmer…dump it in yogurt alongside eggs, veggies, chocolate, toast and sandwiches, whatever…yes altogether…

another version is the same thing …only you use 1 whole egg + 1/2 tbsp of olive oil instead..

I won’t tell you the “unhealthy” foods…you’d be repulsed…seriously…i buy “crap” stuff , and emotionally tear into them (after after FULL days of honest eats, no neglecting food groups)

and i do it all day long

and i do not exercise

i literally wake up, eat, read/confuse myself, eat, short walk (lazy, slow), eat, spend afternoon with friends, snack, read or something to distract my mind, eat, friends/movie watching, eat (and eat and eat), fall asleep in my one-room in a coma…repeat…no exercise…literally…

and this is what i feel i want to tell my ex-friend is infuriates me so so so much..but i refuse to contact her:

“You refer to others as doing it when you probably need to write “I”. You sound obsessed with food blogs and celebrites and diet trends. You have a choice what you make your life about. Is that what you want it to be about? Who cares if Jenna is juicing and Caitlin doesn’t eat wheat? Who cares? The bigger question is does your brain really need that kind of information? And your answer? To look at celebrities for their “diet habits” is what you write. Yeah, or you could just look at your own life. You could admire Katie Couric for making her way to the top of the news world, or to Michael Douglas for the positivity he showed through cancer. But if you want to focus on diet, then go ahead. I think it will make you crazy. This reminds me why I don’t read blogs anymore. Reading about Kath’s oatmeal, or Caitlin’s dreams, or feeling guilty for eating cow’s yogurt , stonyfield or “crap” yogurt, muffins with every meal (every meal) is not worth it. Who the hell cares? Most people don’t or can’t exercise an ounce. They spend the entire day with friends on a patio lounge, watch movies, and go out for ice cream. I binge. I eat carbs every day (and food in weird combinations). I eat a ton of meat-dairy-grains-sugars-fats-junk….not the “right” way. And I NEVER exercise… I don’t have a computer at home and am venting this on my blog now cause I’m sick of it. I have NOT read ONE food blog in over 4 days (no internet). I spent all yesterday with a friend chatting…I go to church on sundays…when 5 friends helped me move to a one-room box apartment, we all went for ice cram after…at Cold stone creamery…truly…they are here in this country and i didn’t even know it…out with actual friends…spending entire days with them just playing card games, etc”

it makes me feel disgusting for eating + never ever ever exercising (i’m so serious)…she …others are obsessed with diet trends

i can’t always buy the “healthy” ingredients…sometimes i have to financially go for cheap “crap” yogurts, yes i eat wheat-bread at breakfast AND lunch AND supper…yes, i eat muffins (i made 4 yesterday 😦

i know i’m all messed up..but isn’t that the process


i don’t care if kath is cheery peachy keen or if Caitlin is pursuing a new dream…

I’d RATHER eat my own OWN oatmeal and dairy and chocoalte and pizza…I’d rather FIND My OWN dreams….

and seeing others obsess over others bugs me

and then that means I’m NUTS…cuz i know i’m not “perfect”…i KNOW it…and i know I’m lazy

but i AM going to leave this crap behind me….seriously..i have no more computer and i realize now that i DO NOT want my life to be about this…if i eat meat 3x a day…or use up 3 tubs of yogurt with 10 cookies from some junky fast food joint…then i do not need that guilt…its all crazy obsession that is so irrelevant..irrevelant

if she and other obsessors want to spend their lives chasing a new diet fad or reading about OTHERS lives and food trends …go ahead….that is THEIR choice and NOT my business….

I do not have to . I have that choice.

I don’t exercise. I’m broken beyond . I do waste time. And I eat all the wrong things..I eat A LOT…I eat badly, etc…but maybe that’s the way to get over it…




Orthorexia: The Elephant in the Blogging World

I read a book last summer titled Health Food Junkies: Orthorexia Nervosa: Overcoming the Obsession with Healthful Eating by Stephen Bratman and David Knight.

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The book was a very interesting and thought-provoking read. I think a lot of people in the “healthy living community” of blogs might be interested in it.

Before I talk about the book (over 2-4 posts), I first want to say that no, I don’t think everyone with a food blog is orthorexic. So, if you read this, don’t jump on me thinking that I’m waving a lovely, sweeping wand of stereotyping over everyone.

Because I’m not.

But, come on guys. Lets be real. The blog world does present this condition. Some people have it and don’t even know about it (right up there along with self-flattery and the polly-anna syndrome).

Anyway…this will be Part 1 of what I want to talk about with this topic. After these few posts, this blog may have be filed away anyway because my computer access and life has taken a very big downturn and this blog isn’t gonna be part of it.

Points from the book (because list-form is so much more compelling to read):

– The author (Bratman) discusses his own experiences with orthorexia. As an M.D., he always believed in the idea of healing through nutrition. However, with time he began to realize that his search for a “cure” through diet can lead to a big problem. He realized there was a darker side to trying to pursue or find some dietary virtue. As a doctor himself, he often prescribed certain diets (i.e. elimination diets) to his patients….he soon realized this was not necessarily a smart thing to do.

– Bratman talks about how often dietary counsellors place an exaggerated focus on food. He tells a humorous (and enlightening) story about a macrobiotic counsellor that was lecturing a group about the evils of milk…he even pointed out a flustered guy who was drinking milk and lectured him on how poorly he was treating his body. The man sheepishly replies (in utter confusion) “um…its only milk though isn’t it?…it’s not rum or poison, is it?”.

Ha. True story. We act like something as harmless and normal as a cup of milk is poison. Even Jenny discussed in a recent post about her new decision to start drinking milk – cow’s milk – again. A trip into the blogging world can often lead one to flock to all the non-dairy milks…and you have to question your choice and true tastes. Really. (Disclaimer: I like all dairy and nondairy milks…again, I’m just pointing out things that DO exist amongst blogs).

Those who pursue the “pure, perfect” diet over time devote all their mental energy to what/how  much is eaten. Bratman writes that a “diet of wheat grass juice, tofu, quinoa biscuits leads one to feel holy”.

And straying from this diet? Eating things you “should not”? That is a fall from grace and glory. The only remedy from a stray is a stricter diet…fasting…anything to cleanse away the unhealthy, unclean, impure foods.

God forgive you.

– A person with orthorexia has an obsession with eating healthy. Calories (quantity) is not the problem. Rather, the types of foods (quality) is the focus.

The life becomes consumed with planning, purchasing, preparing, and eating the holier-than-thou foods.

Bratman’s personal experiences: he was a vegetarian, had to chew food a certain # of times, had to be alone while eating; he pursued dietary perfection for 2 years; soon realized it was a source of superiority; an obsession.

How did Bratman escape this hell? By 3 big events:

1) His own mentor suddenly abandoned his own quest one day and just went back to eating “regular” foods.

2) An elderly man offered him a slice of cheese one day and he was resistant to eat it. He did eat it though, respectfully, and actually felt okay (in fact he says he felt “better” since he hadn’t been feeling well prior).

3) He met a monk at a seminar. The seminar organizers (raw, vegan enthusiasts) presented this monk with a huge luncheon of raw, or vegan foods. The monk decided to pass on the big lunch offered and requested instead to go to a fast-food joint. The people at the seminar were shocked at their spiritual mentor/hero…wasn’t he supposed to be a leader of a pure, healthy, divine way of life and peace?

Well, Bratman told this guy of his own dietary lifestyle. How did this leader respond? The spiritual leader encouraged him to eat more – to eat ice cream – to eat burgers at McD’s. And then what did he do (as he chowed down on pizza, ice cream, etc)? Instead the leader talked about other things. He talked about life.

He didn’t talk about food at all. Soon Bratman became distracted and food was just food. Life became a bigger inhabitant of his mind.

– Bratman comments about how he once prescribed a strict elimination diet to a woman in order to help remedy some of her problems and to help her get off medications. The woman was able to give up her meds by following her dietary perfection. But, Bratman soon noticed she was obsessed with it (missing social occasions, always thinking about food, etc). He came to regret ever prescribing the diet and all. He says it would be better for his patient to be on medications and have a life versus be off the meds and have no life at all.

Okay, this is long enough…stay tuned for Part II.

P.S.  I don’t want to “promote” my blog or get popularity (since the blog is coming to an end due to other factors), BUT I do urge you to spread the work or link to this post if you think it can speak to other bloggers out there. I would like to think some of the thoughts over these few posts if you feel it  might perk up the ears of some suffering people out there.

u must be bored

Not sure where this blog is headed…likely South for an extended, likely permanent vacation. But before that time (which is gonna be soon), I’m gonna write this post. And before I write this post, I want to say that I might like to write a few posts on a book I read last summer:

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I think Health Food Junkies by Stephen Bratman, MD, is a very interesting read. Particularly for anyone on extreme diets, experiencing orthorexia…or basically anyone in the blog-world.


Cause that is the blogging land elephant in the room…. because their out there.

Would you like to hear thoughts on it? I think it could be valuable to some of you, but if no one reads, then I might not write on it. The only real value would be to enlighten/offer something to someone.

Okay, now on to the original post for today:

I read a few comments or blog posts today that provoked some anger, confusion, sadness, and sarcasm in me.

People write that they want to be like “X” blogger (who just turned vegetarian) or “X” blogger (who is embarking on a vegan detox).

Holy crap people. Are we all insane? The comparisons? The belief that “well, she is doing it , and I’m not…I therefore am a failure”.

It is pathetic. And I’m guilty of it also. This useless comparing. Or useless viewing of other bloggers and wanting to be them. To be them.

Why be a second-rate version of someone else? When you can be the first-rate version of yourself?


Sure, I look at bloggers who eat A) no grains, B) lunchtime salads with nothing “heavy”, C) no dairy cause that is “evil”, D) exercise like mad (while I haven’t done more than a walk in over 2 years and continuing).

And YES I feel guilty. But then the problem is ME. Why torture myself like that? Why torture yourself like that?

For every vegan I see who claims god-like energy and baby-soft skin…I also see a hard-core protein lover, who also luvs on the grains and the dairy and looks and feels perfect-o…

see, there is no answer. But I’m kind of tired of seeing people (people I know actually) say “oh I should be like Jenna”…”oh I should be like the girl going on the detox”…etc, etc.

Side Note: I personally live with day in and day out guilt for eating so much…for eating grains, carbs, chocolate, “unhealthy” foods…for eating animal proteins and dairy in truckloads…for wanting so badly just a salad, but that is not going to happen…for eating late and waking up to start again (more grains, more this and that)…and for doing zilch zilch zilch movement…

But at the end of the day…the real loser is me. Because even though I don’t succumb to those things (No, I will not be vegan…NO , I will not detox –though god knows I need one)….I still end up losing because I let others provoke me…and I let others allow me to feel guilty and self-doubt and shame.

Kind of a shitty way to live. Choosing to live in self-torture? It is madness. It means we’re bored. I’m not saying it is you. But its some people. Some don’t even recognize it. Some don’t know how to stop.

Good post to consider: .

Great, thought-provoking thoughts.